No happy medium.

OK, when I first started this blog I wanted to write about my creative process while trying to deal with 2 middle school boys. Then...all of a sudden, what I thought was just a freak injury turned out to be a chronic disease. It is much easier to speak to people about having a bad back than telling them you have an auto-immune disease. Let alone telling them that you actually have two.

I have had a really bad week this week. Sunday, though having beautiful weather, my loving hubby didn't think I should go for a walk because he could tell I was in pain. Some days I wish he wasn't a PT. I don't want to have to put my life on hold because of that. So we went for our 2 mile walk on an Indian summer afternoon. It was really nice. Come Monday afternoon I was in pain all over my body, on both arms and legs, joints, muscles and skin. I was worthless that night. Tuesday morning I was is a very weepy mood and I had an appointment with my rheumatologist.  I walk into the office and my Remicade (poison) nurse is standing there. She says, "Oh you have an appointment with her before your appointment with me?"  Umm...I guess so. It's a good thing she happened to be standing at reception! And because of my stupidity I have yet another weepy day. Then Wednesday, I am trying to get my weepiness under control by looking for an online guided meditation. After I turn off 3 because I have decided that I don't like them...the phone rings. It's from my hair dresser. I forgot my appointment with her today. Now this is something this almost totally grey 44 year old cannot miss. Since I'm usually quite prompt for appontments she calls me and says she'll wait for me. I do not have to reschedule. Thank you Sue! I guess it pays to stay with the same person for 21 years. And of course because of my stupidity once again, I have another bad day. Then I have to finish this lease I promised to have done by afternoon. OK. I can do this! I finished it before dinner.

Today...

I just lost it when I was taking a shower. I kept crying and had problems stopping.

Damn it! My eyes are starting to tear up again!

I would love to talk to people on a regular basis without them thinking I'm complaining or whining about "a little pain", "everyone has pain", or having people tell me that I am taking the wrong course of action to tackle my health issues. Or the other extreme...some people look like they feel sorry for me. I am not looking for pity...just for a place to blow off some steam. Some days I just need to talk for a couple of minutes about my bad health and then I would love to hear about your life...good and bad.

I don't think there are too many people in my life that I can do that with. Any takers?

I think my one buddy has got to be getting really tired of hearing me talk some days. She's a real sport, and I want to thank her. (She knows who she is. I love ya!)

I will get past this. I have to.

A best friend?

A best friend...what is a best friend?


The UrbanDictionary.com defines it as "Best Friends are very special people in your life. They are the first people you think about when you make plans. They are the first people you go to when you need someone to talk to. You will phone them up just to talk about nothing, or the most important things in your life. When you’re sad they will try their hardest to cheer you up. They give the best hugs in the world! They are the shoulder to cry on, because you know that they truly care about you. In most cases they would take a bullet for you, coz it would be too painful to watch you get hurt. "


The person who I thought was my best friend never seems to hear a word I say. The person who I thought was my best friend only wants to tell me about her life, but when I need to talk about my life she changes the subject to her pet. Her Pet! Can you believe? It seems to be her way of getting me to drop that subject, and i have to say she's been doing that for a few decades now. 


I know she thinks of me as one of her BFF's, and I know she loves me. I love her too...but i'm not sure if she's my best friend anymore or even one of my BFF'S either. 


I feel sad sometimes when I get off the phone with her...even though, I wasn't sad before the call started...I've spoken with her about it once before and she told me "you know me, you need to get my attention first". Uuuuh, I thought I already had it. Weren't we already speaking? And I can tell you, it's usually very difficult to get her attention.


So what exactly does that mean? Does it mean that she's moved on, but she doesn't really realize it yet? I'm not sure if I've moved on yet or not. I know don't want to have moved on. I know that the two of us lead very different lives, but should that matter?


Any thoughts?